Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize