how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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