I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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