thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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