Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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