how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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