Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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