You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
