i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
