I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
