wrigley field is MILF paradise
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
