we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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