Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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