the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
