Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
