Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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