It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize