Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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