the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
