I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
