Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize