Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
