She is in my trunk
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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