I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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