I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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