I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
