he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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