I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
