You're completely useless in the revolution.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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