Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
