From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's rum buckets o'clock
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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