Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
