Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
