you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
