my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
