I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
