my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
