I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
