I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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