what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My bed smells like the plague
You are a genius and a whore.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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