No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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