The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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