I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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