we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
