He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
