There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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