highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
