This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
