it wasn't lemon gatorade
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
