Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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