Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize