Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
