I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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