I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Randomize
