I heard we made out
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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