hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
