last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
