dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
